Music
Crash Test Dude
©2001
Tracklist
  1. Introductory Remarks
  2. Understand Your Man
  3. An side regarding prostitution
  4. Androgynous
  5. I Want To Par-tay!
  6. Oral sex for compensation
  7. Cocaine
  8. Give Yourself A Hand
  9. Trident Gum Theme
  10. Da Do Ron Ron
  11. Bowel Difficulties
  12. Afternoons & Coffeespoons
  13. "Scientific Management" Poem
  14. Keep A Lid On Things
  15. Conversation
  16. Superman's Song
  17. Bass baritone guitar and penis
  18. God Shuffled His Feet
  19. Freedom from all STDs
  20. A Cigarette Is All You Get
  21. He Liked To Feel It
  22. The String Change Song
  23. Delilah
  24. La Grange
  25. Torontonian's: Pros and Cons
  26. Unbreak My Heart
  27. Crash Test Drunkard
  28. Betty Davis Eyes
  29. "Circumcision" Poem
  30. Baby One More Time
  31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
  32. Encore
Understand Your Man
Don't call my name out your window, I'm leavin'
I won't even turn my head
Don't send your kinfolks to give me no talkin'
I'll be gone, like I said
You'd say the same old thing that you been sayin' all along
Lay there in your bed, keep your mouth shut 'til I'm gone
Don't give me that old familiar cry 'n' cuss 'n' moan
Understand your man
I'm tired of your bad mouthin'
Understand your man

You can give my other suit to the Salvation Army
And ev'rything else I leave behind
I ain't takin' nothin that'll slow down my travelin'
While I'm untanglin' my mind
I ain't gonna repeat what I said anymore
While I'm breathin' air that ain't been breathed before
I'll be as gone as a wild goose in winter
Then you'll understand your man

Meditate on it
Understand your man
D'ya hear me talkin'
Understand your man
Remember what I told ya
Understand your man
Androgynous
Here comes Dick, he's wearing a skirt
Here comes Jane you know she's sportin' a chain
Same hair, a revolution
Same build, evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous

We'll don't get him wrong, and don't get him mad
He might be a father but he sure ain't a dad
And she don't need the advice that is sent to her
She's happy the way she looks, she's happy with her gender
And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous

Mirror image, see no damage, see no evil at all
Cupie dolls and urine stalls will be laughed at
The way you're laughed at now

Something meets boy and something meets girl
They both look the same they're overjoyed in this world
Same hair revolution
Unisex evolution
Tomorrow who's gonna fuss?

And tomorrow Dick is wearing pants,
Tomorrow Jane is wearing a dress
Future outcasts and they don't last
And today people dress the way that they please
The way they tried to do in the last centuries

And they love each other so, androgynous
Closer than you know, love each other so, androgynous.
I Want To Par-tay!
Well looky here now, my oh my
I got a bug stuck in my eye
I feel the chill right through my coat
I got a pill stuck in my throat
I'm a man, walking with a stick
I'm a man who likes to get in his kicks
I'm the man, talking to his dick
I'm the man getting all the chicks

You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!

I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!

I should have checked before I chewed
I got a worm stuck in my food
I'm walking funny and it's not by chance
I got some shit stuck in my pants
You know that I could have my pick
You know that I got quirks and ticks
I like the way you play your tricks
I like the way you like to squirm and kick

You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!

I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!

You know that it's not just a joke
I like to suck back a lot of Coke
I like the sugar it contains
I like the syrup in my veins
I'm a man walking with his drink
I'm a man talking to his drink
I'm a man woofing in the sink
And I'm the man, whatever you may think!

You're gettin' flirty with me,
You're talkin' dirty to me,
You're sayin' "c'mon, baby!"
YEAH!

I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! P-par-tay!
I want to par-tay! Par-tay!
Par-tay! par-tay!
I want to par-tay! Par-tay!
I want to...
Cocaine
You take Sally, I'll take Sue
There ain’t no difference between the two
Cocaine running all around my brain

Heading down Scott, turning up Main
Looking for the girl who sells cocaine
Cocaine running all around my brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine running all around my brain

Late last night, around a quarter past four
Who comes knocking round my hotel room door
Saying where's that cocaine, well it's running all around my brain

I was talking to the doctor down to the hospital
He said "Son, it says here on your chart that you’re 24, that’s impossible"
Cocaine must be running ‘round this boy's brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine running all around my brain

And yet another morning I woke up at the crack of dawn
I looked into the mirror and my nose was gone
Imagine my embarrassment, running round my brain

Oh mama, come real quick
That ol’ cocaine's about to make me sick
Cocaine running all around my brain
Give Yourself A Hand
Hello, Mr. Fussy
Hello, Mrs. Nice
Have you ever shared a bathtub
Full of beer and ice?

I know you want to
I know you can
Put down your children
And free up your hands

Come on and free up your hands
Come on and free up your hands

Do you still like to kiss her?
Do you still hold her hand?
Would you cheat with her sister?
Do you march to her band?

And when you're by yourself
With a drink in one hand
Do you break your little rule
And give yourself the other hand?

C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand
C'mon and give yourself a hand

I know your wife's uncle
He's a very nice man
He's got long clever fingers
On his lovely pink hands

Did you give that bad boy
The back of your hand?
I know you want to
I know you can

Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Give him the back of your hand
Da Do Ron Ron
I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
Somebody told me that his name was Bill
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
Yeah, my heart stood still, yeah, his name was Bill
And when he walked me home, da do ron ron ron,
Da do ron ron

I know what he was thinking when he caught my eye
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
He looked so quiet but, my oh my
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
Yeah, he caught my eye, yeah but my oh my
And when he walked me home, da do ron ron ron,
Da do ron ron

He picked me at seven and he looked so fine
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
Someday soon I'm gonna make him mine
Da do ron ron ron, da do ron ron
Yeah, he looked so fine, yeah I'll make him mine
And when he walked me home, da do ron ron ron,
Da do ron ron
Afternoons & Coffeespoons
What is it that makes me just a little bit queasy?
There's a breeze that makes my breathing not so easy
I've had my lungs checked out with X rays
I've smelled the hospital hallways

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Times when the day is like a play by Sartre
When it seems a bookburning's in perfect order -
I gave the doctor my description
I tried to stick to my prescriptions

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot

Maybe if I could do a play-by-playback
I could change the test results that I will get back
I've watched the summer evenings pass by
I've heard the rattle in my bronchi ...

Someday I'll have a disappearing hairline
Someday I'll wear pyjamas in the daytime

Afternoons will be measured out
Measured out, measured with
Coffeespoons and T.S. Eliot
(2x)
Keep A Lid On Things
Who put the doggy in the doghouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put your granny in the grannyhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Who put the bad in the madhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put that junk in the junkhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby

Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things

Who put the fun in the funhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put your dad in the halfhouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby
Who put the boys in the clubhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put the cat in the cathouse?
You did, baby - you did, baby

Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things

Who dug the hole in the outhouse?
You did, baby - you did
Who put Whitey in the White House?
You did, baby - you did, baby

Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Don't you try everything while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Keep your eye on things while I'm gone
Keep a lid on things
Superman's Song
Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle
But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent
He would not be caught sittin' around in no
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would now
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes
But he could hardly string together four words:
"I Tarzan, You Jane."

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him
(2x)
God Shuffled His Feet
After seven days
He was quite tired, so god said:
"Let there be a day
Just for picnics, with wine and bread"
He gathered up some people he had made
Created blankets and laid back in the shade

The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him

So he said: "Once there was a boy
Who woke up with blue hair
To him it was a joy
Until he ran out into warm air -
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
And would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease?"

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him

The people sat waiting
Out on their blankets in the garden
But God said nothing
So someone asked him, "I beg your pardon:
I'm not quite clear about what you just spoke -
Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him
A Cigarette Is All You Get
I'm all freaked out
I'm all tweaked out
I'm being chased by insects
And I wanna eat my cigarettes
I can't hang out
I'm all strung out
I've got to grab me by the throat
I've got to herd me like a goat

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet

I'm all mixed up
I gotta fix me up
I wanna pull my tongue out
And turn my nostrils inside out
I'm all dried up
I'm all fried up
I wanna burn things now and then
If I've been talkin' to businessmen

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet

I'm all shook up
I wanna get hooked up
I wanna listen to Elvis
I wanna shake my pelvis
I wanna take the train downtown
I wanna hear some Junior Brown
I wanna move my groovy hips
I wanna bite my shaky lips

A cigarette is all you get
So hold your fire, don't light it yet
He Liked To Feel It
There was a boy
Who liked to wiggle his tooth loose so he could show it
And then we'd watch
While he would tie it to a doorknob, wind up, and then slam it

And that was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out

But he grew tired
Of using doorknobs and so he thought up a brand-new trick
He said he'd tie
His tooth to his dog's tail, find a stick, wind up,
And then throw it

And that was how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He told us how he liked to feel it when it came out

He called his dog
But just as he was set to go, his dad arrived there
He yelled at him
Then got some pliers, held him, wound up, and yanked it out right there

That wasn't how he liked to have his teeth pulled out
He wouldn't tell us how it felt when it came out
Delilah
I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window
I saw the flickering shadows of love on her blind

She was my woman
As she deceived me I watched and went out of my mind

My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free

At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door

She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more

My, my, my Delilah
Why, why, why Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more

She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more

My, my, my, Delilah
Why, why, why, Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more out
La Grange
Rumour spreadin' a-'round in that Texas town
'bout that shack outside La Grange
and you know what I'm talkin' about
Just let me know if you wanna go
to that home out on the range
They gotta lotta nice girls

Have mercy
A haw, haw, haw, haw, a haw
A haw, haw, haw

Well, I hear it's fine if you got the time
and the ten to get yourself in
A hmm, hmm
And I hear it's tight most ev'ry night
but now I might be mistaken
hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm

Have mercy
Unbreak My Heart
Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back the smile
Come and take these tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my

Un-break my heart
Come back an say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on
Bette Davis Eyes
Her hair is Harlowe gold
Her lips, sweet surprise
Her hands are never cold
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll turn her music on you
You won't have to think twice
She's pure as New York snow
She got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
She got Greta Garbo stand off sighs
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on her throne
She got Bette Davis eyes

She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you
When she snows you
Off your feet with the crumbs she throws you
She's ferocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you,
She'll unease you
All the better just to please you
She's precocious
And she knows just
What it takes to make a pro blush
All the boys think she's a spy
She's got Bette Davis eyes

And she'll tease you
She'll unease you
Just to please you
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll expose you
When she snows you
She knows you
She's got Bette Davis eyes
Baby One More Time
Oh baby baby
Oh baby baby

Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here?
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah

Show me
How you want it to be
Tell me, baby
'Cause I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Oh baby baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy, you got me blinded
Oh pretty baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I planned it

Show me
How you want it to be
Tell me, baby
'Cause I need to know now, oh because

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Oh baby baby
Oh baby baby

Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know?
Oh pretty baby
I shouldn't have let you go

I must confess
That my loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe?
That you will be here
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

My loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Once there was this kid who
Got into an accident and couldn't come to school
But when he finally came back
His hair had turned from black into bright white
He said that it was from when
The cars had smashed so hard

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go and change with the girls in the change room
But when they finally made her
They saw birthmarks all over her body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just been there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that

'Cause then there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home right after school
And when they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm